Selling Dreams

I’d like to start this off by saying that I’ve missed my mom so much this last week. March 30th would have been my mom’s 70th birthday. She’s been gone for just over three years and I miss her more this year than ever. Being that my mom had me when she was 30 years old we got to share “new decade” years. I turned 10 the year she turned 40, 20 when she turned 50, and so on. This is the first decade year we don’t get to celebrate together and it is making my heart feel extra heavy.

                                                                                                                                                             

"Krissy have you ever heard of para-suicide?"

"No." I shook my head. 

"Para-suicide is a type of suicide, however it is one that isn't carried out as abruptly. With people who commit para-suicide, they make choices over time knowing that those actions will result in their own death eventually. How you described your mom is very much in line with that." 

Her comment made me feel sick to my stomach. I had so much grief during this time that it felt like my bones ached from it. I remembered an argument I had with my mom about a month before she passed away. “What do I have to live for anymore,” she asked me. Angrily I responded, stating that she had me and my brother and all the other people that loved her. She grunted in response and changed the topic. 

What stung a little worse was that I was receiving this information while sitting on a couch in the condo I had bought for my mom before she died. The months leading up to her passing included me anxiously selling a house and buying a condo in downtown Bellingham. I was certain that this condo would fix my 66 year old mother and all of our problems. I envisioned happy walks down by the water, dinners together. Togetherness. Something we hadn’t had much in so long, nearly 20 years. This place could repair that and she agreed to it. 

“If I had a place near you I could come live there.” 

I made it happen in record time. My mom loved the views and everything. I got it furnished and two weeks later I received a dreadful call from one of Mount Laurel Police Department’s finest. Hi there, I’m so sorry to have to inform you….

Throughout a year of therapy I talked about how I had hoped to change things for us. “Unfortunately children of a reactive parent become conditioned to believe that unrelated things like this can be possible.” This statement took me back to when I was competing on the snowboard circuit. I had convinced myself that if I did well at this Grand Prix or this World Cup, then my parents wouldn’t worry about me and they could focus on themselves, and maybe then they could be happy. Of course, the added stress weighed on me. I’d ride well in trainings and in practice but rarely held it together in contests, and subsequently in my mind, our family began to fall apart. I hated myself for not being able to do well enough for things to improve. Then I blew out a knee one month before Worlds, and a few years afterwards I broke my back in a World Cup. I felt so smothered by all my failures so I moved to the woods and spent a few years decompressing from it all. 

So then it was 2020, full blast pandemic, with the future ahead of us stolen by losing a loved one. 

In 2022 and 2023 we lived in the condo for a bit during our remodel. I’m thankful to have had the space but it never felt quite right to me. 

Then in December 2023 I was dropping off a supply of items at the condo and had a gut sick feeling, so I took a moment and leaned against the kitchen counter while looking out through the window at the bay. I imagined my mom in front of the window looking out. For a moment I pictured her happy and my heart broke just a little bit, but then I realized that in this life my mom likely would have been miserable here, too. A condo doesn’t make someone happy. You can’t buy happiness and you cannot force it upon someone who is unwilling to accept it in their lives. In that moment I decided to sell our condo, wipe my hands and close the door on the dreams we had that never came to fruition.

After one offer fell through I started to have anxiety over this decision. Was I doing the right thing? Why can’t I just put my big girl pants on and be ok with keeping this place? I told myself that if we didn’t get another offer by March I would keep it…but I really didn’t want to so I did something unprecedented. I prayed. I prayed to Matthew McConaughey. 

“Hi, Matthew McConaughey. My name is Krissy. We haven’t met and I’m sure you’re very busy. First off, I want to say that I love what you did in How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days. Real great stuff. So, I have a huge favor to ask. I’m selling a condo and if you could send some magic into the universe to help make that happen, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.”

The next day I had a cash offer. 

Tell me it’s a coincidence and I’ll tell you to prove it. 

A childhood friend wrote about no longer needing to bear the heaviness of a life that changes in an instant. Going into 2024 I made two goals, to live my life with intention and to rid myself of things that no longer serve me. I don’t want to keep going back to this painful place, and I don’t have to. This week I handed the keys over to someone on a big new adventure, and I am hopeful that this will be a happy place for her. A place where she grows and has a lot of fun. In the meantime, I’ll do what I can to remember my mom at her best and let go of the things that I can’t change. 

**written Feb 29, 2024**